I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
