I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
