Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
