she was so not down for the gang bang
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
