I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
