how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
