the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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