I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
