Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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