What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
