Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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