Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
