he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
