sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
