Just fell off a train. Bad.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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