I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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