he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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