I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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