So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
