we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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