I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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