I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
