Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
