this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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