The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
