Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
worst night to have a conscience
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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