Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
