There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
