I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
