Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
