I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
