i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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