haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
