did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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