Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
