Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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