oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
