i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
