This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i love accidental penises.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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