HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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