His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
