Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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