opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
