Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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