I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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