ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
this boner is exhausting
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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