Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
