Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
