Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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