It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
