walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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